My departure was abrupt and unexpected. Even to myself. I suppose, however, at least to <>, it was not surprising. The truth is, I have been conflicted about my position at this company for well over a year. I turned over the question -- should I stay or go -- for all of that time. I couldn't make the decision, though. It was if I could see both sides of the decision, map out the perceived fall out, and come to no decision. I thought for a long time that no matter what I did, I would wreck an awful lot of things.
But really that whole conflict was borne out of the frustration I experienced at the end of The Computer Valet. I had reached a hatred of that business that I denied for many, many months. You would think that a successful computer business, at least to a technician, would be a wonderful thing. Indeed, it was, for a time. Still, I am an individual with my own needs and desires and some of the business was pure drudgery.
My work here resembled much of that business and it added elements I was not so familiar with. <> helped me a great deal, giving me time and space to try to grow into the positions she needed me to fill. Ultimately, however, even though there were many things I enjoyed, the things I did not enjoy were very upsetting. When combined with my Computer Valet past, it was as if a magnifying glass had been placed onto those things I hated so much. Toward the end, I came to each day with dread and an acute anxiety, the likes of which I haven't experienced in decades. Interrupted sleep. Loss of appetite. Panic attacks. And, yes, thoughts of suicide. They all have been building up for a long, long time.
When I walked out of the office this past Tuesday, I did not envision it earlier that day. But the panic attacks swarmed in on me and I had to ... well, I had to go. I had reached my limit once before, merely eight days previous when I became "ill." But I wanted to give it a try, for the 65th time, perhaps. So, I came to Boston and the meeting and hoped that everything would be alright.
It wasn't. And Tuesday was the breaking point. When I left, I drove around looking for friends. I seriously considered jumping from a particular bridge. I could see myself jumping. I could feel the free-fall. I wanted to do it. I felt like I had destroyed my life and the lives of those around me -- my family, my co-workers, <>.
But I didn't. When I couldn't find a couple of friends, I set aside the shame and finally called my wife. I promptly fell-apart, offering a too large series of apologies to her for ruining everything. You can imagine that the next few days and have felt strange. Today, I am better, mostly because the logical mind has returned and the enormous responsibility I felt is slipping away each day.
I'm telling this story because I want you to know this was not an easy decision. I want you to know that I didn't do this rashly. I care about each one of you as close friends. It disturbs me to know that my departure harms any of you in any way.
Still, when I think about it logically, I conclude that the business is in much better shape than when I started. <> has made incredible strides to make the company a much easier place to work. She looks out for your well-being and wants to protect you. This is not to say she never did that before, but I can see an evolution in the business where she no longer says "Yes" to everything that comes over the threshold. She understands why you need help to do your job and why some things just don't work. I'd like to think I contributed to that.
The company, I believe, is on a right and true path. That's not to say that it won't be difficult any longer. Far from it, there will be frustrations and changes ahead that will try and upset many of you. But I do believe that the company is solid, works, and will get better over time. Please just trust in each other and know that you all have the same goals.
My regret is I won't be a part of the coming celebrations. But that is Okay. I know it's not a place I should be. I'm not sure what's next for me, but it will be something that I'll either find challenging or make challenging. I always find something.
Take care,
...
Two days after I arrived back in Houston, Dexter, one of the dogs at my sister-in-law's house died. My sister-in-law and family were out of town at the time. My wife and I were "taking care" of Dexter and two other dogs, Xiao Gu and Kody. Xiao Gu stayed with Dexter at home while Kody stayed at a kennel.