Expanding Man

Time Line -- Perceptions

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

• Hamlet, scene ii

Time Line -- Good

1970 - Born in Metairie, Louisiana.
1972 - Break arm on steel bar. Learn that bone is weaker than steel.
1974 - Brother Sean is born
1975 - Choked by teacher in school. Mom moves me to better school.
1977 - Star Wars shapes my childhood.
1977 - Make up large story about teacher having crush on me, only tell friends, who believe me. Decide I might be a good storyteller.
1980 - Empire Strikes Back
1982 - Go on Catholic Retreat for an afternoon. Experience relaxation and relfection.
1983 - "Graduate" from Grammar School
1983 - Return of The Jedi
1986 - Leave high school because people there are too many assholes.
1986 - Enter Coliseum Medical Center (i.e. Mental Hospital)
1987 - Leave Coliseum Medical Center. Go to better school. Become fairly popular.
1987 - Find home among geeks in Science Fiction Fandom.
1989 - Deflowering with Lesley, first girlfriend.
1989 - Flirt with leaving school again because people are still assholes. I don't and graduate.
1991 - Meet Crystal Guillory, second girlfriend.
1991 - Shot in the dark. I create a graphic-design portfolio, shop it around, and get an internship at Graphics Unlimited, a pre-press service bureau and design house.
1992 - Crystal and I marry.
1995 - Decide I am not happy at Graphics Unlimited any longer or my marriage
1995 - Go live with a couple of friends Jetmore, Kansas.
1995 - Realizing that there really is no life in Kansas, negotiate an art director position at Goldtree Enterprises.
1995 - Move back to Metairie, Louisiana and become Art Director at Goldtree Enterprises, a video game production company.
1995 - Meet Raye McGowen. We move in together in a matter of weeks.
1996 - Raye and I marry.
1996 - Goldtree decides to abandon publishing video games. I work for myself as graphic designer, prepress expert, and copywriter in ad agencies.
1997 - Decide to write more and become a freelance writer. Folks are skeptical.
1998 - Win award for Best of Year from Louisiana Life magazine. Get paid $1000 for one article, a princely sum.
1999 - I take a job at Alliance Prepress, but quit six months later because the owner threatened to fire me after catching cold. Quit on prinicple.
2000 - Receive a job at Rampage Systems in Waltham, MA. Raye and I move to Boston.
2001 - Tiring of machismo at Rampage, I decide to start my own support business.
2001 - Meet and hire Hillary Harris, coach, to help me with transition.
2001 - Join Business Network International (BNI) to help start my business.
2001 - Beat fear of public speaking as BNI forces weekly speeches.
2001 - Meet and become good friends with Nina Udwin, president of group.
2001 - Meet and become good friends with Judy Campbell and Stephen Peiser.
2001 - Begin The Computer Valet, working at night and on weekends.
2002 - Leave Rampage with a month notice and begin The Computer Valet.
2002 - Become president of BNI Waltham Chapter.
2003 - Meet and become good friends with Rose Gschwendter and Sally Rudicel.
2003 - Win an award: Best Technical Support in Boston 2003 from Business 2.0 magazine.
2005 - Am constantly booked, a little overbooked. Scale back business a bit and decide to take on fitness to lose weight.
2006 - Lose 65 pounds. Am no longer borderline diabetic.
2005 - Sell The Computer Valet to willing, if misguided, entreprenuer, working out a payment plan over a year.
2005 - Begin work at Sicklebrook Services on their helpdesk.
2006 - Move with Raye to Houston, TX to be closer to family. Move in with Raye's sister, Taffy.
2007 - Move into house near Taffy's house.
2007 - Begin to realize I do not like working for Sicklebrook.
2007 - Promoted to Project Manager and an executive at SickleBrook, which has become Dove Help Desk.
2008 - The stress and futility of job becomes unbearable. I resign.
2008 - I network with colleagues and friends.

Time Line -- Bad

1970 - Born in Metairie, Louisiana.
1972 - Broke Arm
1974 - School. Very traumatic.
1974 - Sean is born
1975 - Choked by teacher in school. Moved to St. Francis Xavier.
1978 - Major issues with teasing at school
1983 - I and two girls accuse Troy Walker of having said a bad word. It's a lie.
1984 - I swing a bar at Sean, scarring his face.
1985 - The Descent. Teasing picks up in high school.
1986 - Leave school. Go into room.
1986 - Enter Coliseum Medical Center (i.e. Mental Hospital)
1987 - Leave Coliseum Medical Center
1989 - After two more high-schools, graduate high-school.
1990 - Meet Crystal Guillory, second girlfriend.
1992 - Crystal and I marry.
1995 - Develop "Crush" on Crystal's sister, Kirby. I do not tell her and experience immense anxiety and depression over six months.
1995 - Abruptly leave first job, separate with Crystal, and move to Jetmore, Kansas. Ask friend for help with suicide because "I am incapable of love." He declines.
1995 - Move back to Metairie, Louisiana.
1995 - Meet Raye McGowen. We move in together in a matter of weeks.
1996 - Raye and I marry.
1996 - Laid off from Goldtree. I work for myself as graphic designer, prepress expert, and copywriter in ad agencies.
1997 - Become a freelance writer.
1999 - Failing that, I go back to prepress.
2000 - Receive a job at Rampage Systems in Waltham, MA. Raye and I move to Boston.
2001 - I decide to start my own support business.
2001 - Begin The Computer Valet, working at night and on weekends.
2002 - Leave Rampage with a month notice and begin The Computer Valet.
2005 - Am very successful, but feel enormously squeezed. Start to make large mistakes. I am overworked and severely depressed.
2005 - Tell inappropriate joke at business meeting and am asked to leave. I told joke out of anger and fear, angry at the success of my business.
2005 - Hurricanes Katrina and Rita affect both my and Raye's families in Louisiana and Texas. My parents lose their house and Raye's mother has an emotional setback that requires her to go into hospital.
2005 - Begin work at Sicklebrook Services on their helpdesk.
2006 - Move with Raye to Houston, TX to be closer to family. Move in with Raye's sister, Taffy.
2006 - Diagnosed with C.Difficle infection. Many months of searching and small amount of medication knock it out.
2007 - Develop "Crush" on co-worker at Sicklebrook. Go to therapy. Decide I am just hiding the fact that I hate job and try to quit, but am unsuccessful. (Owner talks me out of it.)
2007 - Stress of job increases due to high employee turnover and my taking on additional responsibilities.
2007 - Planned trip to Sedona, AZ with friends from Boston. Spend second to last night of trip considering suicide because, at 37, I feel like I've never gotten my professional life in order. I consider feigning illness to skip out on a rafting trip to find a peak from which to jump.
2008 - Spend many months assailing myself with self-talk about my inability to step up to the struggles of personnel management. Approach many mornings at work shaking from anxiety.
2008 - Experience "nervous breakdown" and leave job for three days.
2008 - While in Boston for annual company meeting, experience worsening panic-attack. I resign from job immediately. I drive around area attempting to find friends. Desperately want to jump from Tobin bridge. I do not. a.
2008 - I come back to Houston in bad shape.

Time Line -- Good/Bad

1970 - Born in Metairie, Louisiana.
1972 - Broke Arm
1974 - School. Very traumatic.
1974 - Sean is born
1975 - Choked by teacher in school. Moved to St. Francis Xavier.
1977 - Star Wars
1977 - Make up large story about teacher having crush on me, only tell friends
1978 - Major issues with teasing at school
1980 - Empire Strikes Back
1982 - Go on Catholic Retreat for an afternoon. Experience mental silence.
1983 - I and two girls accuse Troy Walker of having said a bad word. It's a lie.
1983 - "Graduate" from Grammar School
1983 - Return of The Jedi
1984 - I swing a bar at Sean, scarring his face.
1985 - The Descent. Teasing picks up in high school.
1986 - Leave school. Go into room.
1986 - Enter Coliseum Medical Center (i.e. Mental Hospital)
1987 - Leave Coliseum Medical Center
1987 - Join SFFandom
1989 - Meet Lesley, first girlfriend
1989 - Deflowered
1989 - After two more high-schools, graduate high-school.
1990 - Meet Crystal Guillory, second girlfriend.
1992 - Crystal and I take driving trip to Disney. I obsess about car breaking down and our getting killed by serial killer.
1992 - First PROFESSIONAL JOB: Graphics Unlimited, a pre-press service bureau and design house.
1992 - Having foiled the serial killer, Crystal and I marry.
1995 - Develop "Crush" on Crystal's sister, Kirby. I do not tell her and experience immense anxiety and depression over six months.
1995 - Abruptly leave Graphics Unlimited, separate with Crystal, and move to Jetmore, Kansas. Ask friend for help with suicide because "I am incapable of love." He declines.
1995 - Move back to Metairie, Louisiana and become Art Director at Goldtree Enterprises, a video game production company.
1995 - Meet Raye McGowen. We move in together in a matter of weeks.
1996 - Raye and I marry.
1996 - Laid off from Goldtree. I work for myself as graphic designer, prepress expert, and copywriter in ad agencies.
1997 - Become a freelance writer.
1999 - Not making hardly any money, I go back to prepress.
2000 - Receive a job at Rampage Systems in Waltham, MA. Raye and I move to Boston.
2001 - Tiring of machismo at Rampage, I decide to start my own support business.
2001 - Meet and hire Hillary Harris, coach, to help me with transition.
2001 - Join Business Network International (BNI) to help start my business.
2001 - Meet and become good friends with Nina Udwin, president of group.
2001 - Meet and become good friends with Judy Campbell and Stephen Peiser.
2001 - Begin The Computer Valet, working at night and on weekends.
2002 - Leave Rampage with a month notice and begin The Computer Valet.
2002 - The Dark Summer. Little work through summer months.
2002 - Become president of BNI Waltham Chapter.
2003 - Meet and become good friends with Rose Gschwendter and Sally Rudicel.
2005 - Am very successful, but feel enormously squeezed. Start to make large mistakes. I am overworked and severely depressed.
2005 - Tell inappropriate joke at business meeting and am asked to leave. I told joke out of anger and fear, angry at the success of my business.
2005 - Hurricanes Katrina and Rita affect both my and Raye's families in Louisiana and Texas. My parents lose their house and Raye's mother has an emotional setback that requires her to go into hospital.
2005 - Sell The Computer Valet to willing, if misguided, entreprenuer, working out a payment plan over a year.
2005 - Begin work at Sicklebrook Services on their helpdesk.
2006 - Move with Raye to Houston, TX to be closer to family. Move in with Raye's sister, Taffy.
2006 - Diagnosed with C.Difficle infection. Many months of searching and small amount of medication knock it out.
2007 - Move into house near Taffy's house.
2007 - Develop "Crush" on co-worker at Sicklebrook. Go to therapy. Decide I am just hiding the fact that I hate job and try to quit, but am unsuccessful. (Owner talks me out of it.)
2007 - Stress of job increases due to high employee turnover and my taking on additional responsibilities.
2007 - Planned trip to Sedona, AZ with friends from Boston. Spend second to last night of trip considering suicide because, at 37, I feel like I've never gotten my professional life in order. I consider feigning illness to skip out on a rafting trip to find a peak from which to jump.
2007 - Do not jump from a cliff. I go to rafting trip.
2007 - Promoted to Project Manager and an executive at SickleBrook, which has become Dove Help Desk.
2008 - Spend many months assailing myself with self-talk about my inability to step up to the struggles of personnel management. Approach many mornings at work shaking from anxiety.
2008 - Experience "nervous breakdown" and leave job for three days.
2008 - While in Boston for annual company meeting, experience worsening panic-attack. I resign from job immediately. I drive around area attempting to find friends. Desperately want to jump from Tobin bridge. I do not. I put aside shame of having "failed" and call Raye and gets me in touch with Nina.
2008 - I come back to Houston in bad shape.

Why

My departure was abrupt and unexpected. Even to myself. I suppose, however, at least to <>, it was not surprising. The truth is, I have been conflicted about my position at this company for well over a year. I turned over the question -- should I stay or go -- for all of that time. I couldn't make the decision, though. It was if I could see both sides of the decision, map out the perceived fall out, and come to no decision. I thought for a long time that no matter what I did, I would wreck an awful lot of things.

But really that whole conflict was borne out of the frustration I experienced at the end of The Computer Valet. I had reached a hatred of that business that I denied for many, many months. You would think that a successful computer business, at least to a technician, would be a wonderful thing. Indeed, it was, for a time. Still, I am an individual with my own needs and desires and some of the business was pure drudgery.

My work here resembled much of that business and it added elements I was not so familiar with. <> helped me a great deal, giving me time and space to try to grow into the positions she needed me to fill. Ultimately, however, even though there were many things I enjoyed, the things I did not enjoy were very upsetting. When combined with my Computer Valet past, it was as if a magnifying glass had been placed onto those things I hated so much. Toward the end, I came to each day with dread and an acute anxiety, the likes of which I haven't experienced in decades. Interrupted sleep. Loss of appetite. Panic attacks. And, yes, thoughts of suicide. They all have been building up for a long, long time.

When I walked out of the office this past Tuesday, I did not envision it earlier that day. But the panic attacks swarmed in on me and I had to ... well, I had to go. I had reached my limit once before, merely eight days previous when I became "ill." But I wanted to give it a try, for the 65th time, perhaps. So, I came to Boston and the meeting and hoped that everything would be alright.

It wasn't. And Tuesday was the breaking point. When I left, I drove around looking for friends. I seriously considered jumping from a particular bridge. I could see myself jumping. I could feel the free-fall. I wanted to do it. I felt like I had destroyed my life and the lives of those around me -- my family, my co-workers, <>.

But I didn't. When I couldn't find a couple of friends, I set aside the shame and finally called my wife. I promptly fell-apart, offering a too large series of apologies to her for ruining everything. You can imagine that the next few days and have felt strange. Today, I am better, mostly because the logical mind has returned and the enormous responsibility I felt is slipping away each day.

I'm telling this story because I want you to know this was not an easy decision. I want you to know that I didn't do this rashly. I care about each one of you as close friends. It disturbs me to know that my departure harms any of you in any way.

Still, when I think about it logically, I conclude that the business is in much better shape than when I started. <> has made incredible strides to make the company a much easier place to work. She looks out for your well-being and wants to protect you. This is not to say she never did that before, but I can see an evolution in the business where she no longer says "Yes" to everything that comes over the threshold. She understands why you need help to do your job and why some things just don't work. I'd like to think I contributed to that.

The company, I believe, is on a right and true path. That's not to say that it won't be difficult any longer. Far from it, there will be frustrations and changes ahead that will try and upset many of you. But I do believe that the company is solid, works, and will get better over time. Please just trust in each other and know that you all have the same goals.

My regret is I won't be a part of the coming celebrations. But that is Okay. I know it's not a place I should be. I'm not sure what's next for me, but it will be something that I'll either find challenging or make challenging. I always find something.

Take care,

...

The End

I have resigned.

Critical Questions

1. Do I want to stay here?

2. If not, how can I determine what else there is for me?

3. How can I get past the extreme anxiety I feel in conflict?

4. How can I manage stress?

Collapsing Man

I spoke once before about losing it. That was child's play.

Last Monday I left work. I walked out, as much as anyone remote can do. I closed up my chat application and logged out of the phone application. I was gone and wouldn't be coming back.

What had sent me over and out was a series of communications from a customer, one who had verbally assaulted me in the past. The last time I spoke to him, I attempted to speak with him about a technical concern. He spoke over me, interrupted me. In short, he yelled -- and it wasn't the first time. That time, I yelled back at him, telling him that I simply wouldn't speak to him any longer. I hung up and haven't spoken to him since.

On Friday last week, I worked on a ticket from his firm. The ticket called for work that we had all discussed back in December. The work would be divided among our staff and his. I performed our part of the ticket and sent the rest to his team. Somehow, he missed it and subject of this ticket called to complain that the work wasn't completed.

I received a series of emails and voice mails from him expressing his displeasure that I would not do the work for him. He denied that we had discussed this arrangement and threatened to fire us.

I have spent a lot of words on this story, but it is really a symptom of my troubles, not a cause. The stress that I felt at this moment had been building for a long time and my patience for it grows thinner every time it happens.

So, I left. And I stayed away from work for three days. My immediate boss and one co-worker knew what had really happened, but everyone else believed I was "sick." (I suppose I was, from a certain point of view.) I've thought a heck of a lot about my situation and have come to a number of conclusions.

1. I need to understand how to handle conflict. My reactions to it and my inability to detach from it are simply harming my professional and personal growth.

2. I need to develop better self-esteem. I have lagged at this for a long time. I beat myself up and don't ask for what I deserve. It's partly why I stay where I stay for so long.

I am in Boston this week, visiting with the company. Our annual mid-year meeting is tomorrow. I'll be flying back home on Wednesday.

In better news, my flight from Houston (IAH) to Boston (BOS) was quite enjoyable. For the first time, I was able to watch the entire take off and landing without getting sick. Yay!

5 Reasons Helpdesk Work is Tough -- Reason 4

All problems are simple. Or they should be.

This striking blow can come from two sources and either can cut you down. The first source is, of course, a  user (or customer). The second is a manager or boss. The perception here is that the technical problem you're currently assigned is somehow simple. Whether it's because the requester has "done it before and just doesn't remember how to do it" or the manager offers a previous example where the "same thing" took some extraordinarily small amount of time compared to your progress, the message is the same: You're making it harder than it needs to be.

To be sure, there are many technical problems that do follow common solution paths. When the technician can, she follows those paths and solves the problem is short time. However, that path can fork. Maybe an update has introduced a conflict? Maybe a systemic problem mimicks the same symptoms? Many things are simple, but many things are not.

The technician wants to solve the problem and get to the other folks waiting in queue. She sincerely doesn't want to make things harder for herself. Why would she?

Something is wrong. My appetite is depressed...

Calories: 776
Carbs: 43
Fat: 27
Protein: 58

That's low..