I have been reading this e-book over the last few days. It's a free download and is, in essence, an unauthorized biography of both Star Wars and George Lucas. (The author says it can never be published due to "copyright issues. Not that I know anything about "copyright issues," I think he's probably right.) The author has attempted to pull together "evidence" unearthed through a multi-tude of sources to craft a real chronology that led to the creation of Star Wars and the movies thereafter. It's fascinating so far!
I started to read this in just the last few days. Maybe I shouldn't. I know this is a dangerous story for me to read, especially now.
Last year, I took vacation in Sedona, AZ and it couldn't have come at a better time. I was feeling particularly conflicted about my job at Dove Help Desk. I felt at a crossroads and wanted to determine once-and-for-all whether this job was for me. I don't necessarily believe in mysticism, but I had hoped that to be in a place for a week renowned for its mystical qualities might shed some light on what I wanted to do.
Well, real-life is rarely like T.V. No life-changing epiphanies came to me in Sedona. So, I prepared to return to work very frustrated that I had no answers for myself. I went into a very dark place and, admittedly, had some suicidal thoughts. I have to be careful here as I don't want to put too fine a point on this. Suicide ideation is a way for me to say, "You still have control. It's not as hopeless as you think." Do I think I'd ever do it? Well, I think I would have to lose an awful lot for me to go down that road.
The Secret History of Star Wars is a story about a man at odds with his creativity and external forces. More than that, it's about a man who persevered over those odds. It's about a man who made a choice and stayed there and won.
I've achieved quite a bit in my professional life (in general) and in my position at Dove (in particular). I am an executive at Dove. People look up to me and like me. I have tried to show my colleagues that I sincerely care about them and want them to be successful in the job as I make a transition from a tech to a manager and re-shape Dove into a helpdesk that is better than the crap I've seen out there.
The transition is not easy.
I have always demanded a lot of myself, whatever my project. As you can imagine, this is a blessing and a curse. At Dove, I want to help my colleagues, but not solve things for them. I want to show them that I am calm, even when I am nauseated from fear. The stress level is very, very high.
Each week I ask myself, "Is this the right place?" I can't answer it. I don't know how right now. So, I soldier on. I hope for an answer.
This seems quite different from the likes of Lucas, who had a desire for film from an early age. Heck, it's quite different from my niece who is certain of her goals as she progresses through college. I've rarely been sure of my life's direction. I seem to have frustrating ability to weigh both cons and pros in my mind at the same moment and come to no decision. Computer support is something that is very natural to me. I made decisions to go into it, but it was a side-ways progression, not a head-full-of-steam.
This isn't to say that Lucas had no doubts. Of course he did. But he soldiered on, secure in the base he formed in his childhood. Whether I have a base or not is immaterial; I don't believe I do.
So, I read this fascinating e-book with trepidation. Will it throw me into the dark pit I had to crawl out from after Sedona? So far, it is not. I've had moments of some discomfort -- ("Why didn't I stick to writing way back when?") -- but I can comfort myself with the successes of today and the knowledge that I don't have to solve it all now. God, grant me the serenity...
